My friends are doing some pretty amazing things right now, and I have to admit I'm really excited for them. Take Anthony Boulier. He has just started an awesome ministry called "Christian Questions" in which he gets reputable sources to answer really important questions involving, quite obviously, the Christian faith. Or there's my friend Lee Anne Rankin, who's currently in India hanging out and loving on people. When she gets home she's going to be focused on her love, helping homeless people in the downtown Orlando area. My friend Zachary Glotfelty just became Worship Director at the Element's Orange Avenue campus, and David Cording just became Middle School Director for the Element's East campus. These guys get to focus their lives on helping students understand what it means to be in an intimate relationship with Christ, and they're both really excited about it. More so, these are just the first people to come to the top of my head, God is doing so much in the world around me. It's amazing because all of these things are awesome and inspiring and just plain sweet.
But here I am, and I'm doing what exactly? I'm not hanging out with homeless people, in fact I spend way too much time and money on, you guessed it, totally useless crap. There's no ground breaking videos coming out of my spare time, I haven't written anything new in weeks, and my guitar is sitting around collecting dust. In all honesty I feel weak, useless, and stagnant, and I don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything. I feel like my gifts are going unused and that I'm not motivating myself to do anything with my life. The world around me seems dull and fuzzy, and I can't seem to focus on any one thing. I am, by definition, depressed and have been for some time now. No- I'm not contemplating suicide and no- I don't hate my life, but at the same time I'm by no means happy with it. My life right now has been, in many ways, far from pleasant. God has endured me through trial upon tribulation upon test upon struggle, and He's been good and persevered me through it all. The sad fact is though that all of this is taking a toll on my body and mind. I can be really freaking happy at times, but that doesn't mean the problems aren't there, that life isn't still trying to break me down.
Now, I'm usually a pretty smart guy. I know that God is doing His thing, and I'm excited by that. I know that it's not right for me to try and compare what He's doing in my life with what He's doing in others lives. I know that everything will be good and right in the end, and even before then. I'm not writing this because I'm some confused lost child, desperate for guidance from someone who's been there- done that. I think that I wrote this short little essay here as a way to vent out my frustrations with the world around me and even with God. The fact is, I'm not happy with God's timing. To be brutally honest: I think it really sucks, and I wish He would just do His thing and make things right now, when it's most convenient to me. But- and I really love "buts" like this- I know with 100% certainty that His timing is perfect and beautiful, and that when I spend all of eternity worshiping His greatness I'm going to look back on the whole of history and marvel and the amazing tapestry that He's woven.
So maybe I don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything, but maybe that's really a good thing. I mean, isn't the only truly great thing that we can do the simple act of giving up our ability to do anything, and trust in Him to do something for more true and great? Hopefully He'll give me the strength to continue to persevere and do some really awesome things. And if not, well, at least I have some really cool friends.
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